apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
bring money and cleavage
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Randomize
