I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
