i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
i think i just lost a toe
Randomize
