Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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