I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
