Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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