Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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