not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
