how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
