I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
