textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
