Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Randomize
