i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Randomize
