I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Everything about him screamed your future.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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