Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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