either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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