she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize
