I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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