She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
