Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Randomize
