your parents love me but you hate me
I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
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