is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
