He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
