Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
