You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
