I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
