it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
