o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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