Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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