the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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