i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
