My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
