JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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