don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
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