i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
