Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
