I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
