the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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