i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
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