An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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