i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I have tasted many bathrooms
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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