you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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