Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
