Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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