Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
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Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
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The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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