You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
