Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
