my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
