When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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