did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
