Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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