here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Randomize
