There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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