Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
