I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
